Intelligence

This morning, I spent more time than I should have trying to register my four-year-old for a variety of intelligence tests. I am rolling my eyes as I write this, just so you know. I wanted to submit the request for testing online so I would also be able to review results, complete further paperwork (if any), etc, online. The system had a glitch and wasn't correctly populating the test location, date, and time fields. I ended up emailing two friends to see if they'd had the same problem, then finally calling the DOE.

If it were up to me alone, I'd skip this city kid rite of passage. John felt differently. When John was in college, he spent his summers selling books and educational materials for the Southwestern Company. This job taught him many skills that have come in handy in the intervening years. It also gave him a firm conviction that (1) most people think their children are above average, and (2) most children are not above average. So, when I tell you that John felt strongly about having Evelyn tested, know that I'm pretty sure the reason he feels this way is because he thinks I have a too-high opinion of her intelligence, and he wants to prove to me that she is not, in fact, in the 99th percentile.

Then, a parent of one of Evelyn's friends started talking about how it's smart to have them tested just in case, what with all the press about kids not getting into kindergarten at their zoned schools. Maybe you get unlucky and your kid doesn't get into your local elementary school, but then you also get lucky, your kid aces the test, and you have another option. I started feeling mom guilt because what does it say about me if I don't want my kid to have a shot at options. Although I must not feel that guilty since I do not plan on hiring a tutor or buying black market OLSAT practice tests.

When I was a kid, IQ testing was in its heyday. I remember taking my first IQ test in kindergarten, followed by at least one per move in the years between first and eighth grades. Current study will tell you, however, that high IQ really isn't linked with later success in life. In the majority of cases, it isn't even linked with later success in school. In fact, what matters more than IQ is whether a child can sit alone in a room with a marshmallow for ten or twenty minutes without eating it.

At the end of the day, intelligence tests for four-year-olds are notoriously unreliable, you pay a substantial fee to have your child tested, and if Evelyn doesn't get into her zoned school, I plan to just camp out front while pregnant and beg for mercy until they let her in. Which wouldn't be as bad as it sounds since the school is across the street from our apartment. Plus, if the smartest kid I know in the class above Evelyn didn't test into gifted and talented, I'm thinking her chances are slim.

So, this morning, I was waiting on hold (which I hate!), trying to find a way to make a city-run website work correctly so that I can pay for my daughter to take a meaningless test I don't even really want her to take, and all of a sudden, it hit me. Someone's intelligence is being tested here all right. It's just not my daughter's.

Luckily for Evelyn, even if the tests show she's not the smartest kid in the city, she's still the most beautiful child east of the Hudson. Right?